Doubt

Doubt is a funny thing. It seems like doubt strikes when you least expect it and can least afford it. As the transition gets closer and closer I asking more and more questions....I'm feeling doubt-full.

Can I do this? Should I do this? Am I crazy? Everyone I come in contact with tells me I'll do great and that it's a good fit for me. That's great that they all think so, but what if I don't think so? How am I going to go back to school again? What if the kids don't make new friends at school? What if Jessica can't find a job? What if I hate it? What if we can't fit everything on the moving truck? What if the finances don't work out? The questions are endless right now and that makes me doubt.

Often in the Christian life, we think asking these kinds of questions is bad. We think it shows a lack of faith, a lack of trust. I don't think so...I think it's part of being human. God made us to be dependent on each other and totally dependent on Him. If we didn't question things and have doubts and fears we wouldn't need to depend on anyone -- we wouldn't feel the need.

So I'm clinging to the fact that this is what God wants from us. It isn't easy, but it's right. It may be that sometimes it isn't fun, but it's necessary. I'm clinging to the fact that "God is my rock and my salvation" and that his will will be done.

So I'll likely doubt some more, but I'll trust some more and depend on His promises some more. And that's a good thing.

Am I crazy? Probably. But then again, maybe crazy is good!

Small Towns

I've been having my share of 'small town' moments lately. You know, the kinds of things that only happen in a small town. Like yesterday, I brought my grass clippings to the dump and as I was sweeping out my pickup bed a guy that goes to my church came over with his gas-powered blower and blew it clean for me. Just tonight the neighbor lady offered up a whole bunch of moving boxes while I was over admiring her new landscaping and last night a couple in our church offered up their humongous garage for storage if we need it.

In Sioux Center, it's pretty hard to go the grocery store and not see someone you know. In fact, it's pretty hard to go anywhere and not see someone you know. When we first moved here Jessica found that very hard to deal with (see came from the city). I was used to it, so it was no big deal. But every so often, I wish that I could go out and not be known. Be anonymous while I'm getting bread and milk (or beer).

When we move to Grand Rapids those small town moments will go away (or at least diminish) and we'll have to get used to a new normal. For example, I can't remember the last time I went to bank and actually had a deposit or withdrawal slip. I've never once been asked to show my ID when I go to the teller window -- they all know me! If I tried that in the city, I'd get laughed right out of the lobby. That's just one of the many things I'm sure we'll miss about small town living.

But I hope we'll still get to know our neighbors and develop the kinds of relationships that we've developed here. It just takes a little time and a little trust and those are two things we could all use a little more of.

Lasts

Lately we've been experiencing a few 'lasts'....Jessica's last GEMS meeting, Bethany's last orchestra concert, the last day of Sunday school, our last parent-teacher conference, our last Bible study, etc. It's not that we won't ever experience those things again, it's just that we won't experience them here -- in Sioux Center. I'm not necessarily sad about that. But it is strange to think about.

I never really pictured us moving away, we're happy here. I guess it's good that I've never felt the need to 'get out of dodge'. For me, that's been part of the whole process -- coming to grips with the fact that being comfortable, being happy, doesn't necessarily mean you should stay where you're at. We should always be challenging ourselves to try new things.

Being too comfortable usually means that you stop asking questions -- life becomes predictable, safe, maybe even easy. We like routine, patterns, consistency. Life is harder when those things aren't there--or is it? Maybe life isn't really harder, just different. And maybe, just maybe, different could be better.

So we will continue to have more and more lasts over the next few weeks (council meetings, work days, school days, Sundays) but maybe that's a good thing. I've been playing that line from "Closing Time" by Semisonic in my head a lot this week, "Every new beginning, comes from some other beginnings end."

This is a new beginning. It's also an uncertain one....and that's OK by me, because the One who is never uncertain and infinitely dependable is going with us. And that's all the certainty I need.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, things continue to move forward for us on the transition front. The garage sale was a success, allowing us to get rid of a lot of stuff and giving us some much needed funds in the process. I also sold my pickup last week to a guy here in town and we've worked out an arrangement wherby I can share it with him until we leave, which is great!

And if that wasn't enough...we sold the house too! Yep, after waiting for eight weeks we got an offer in the morning and had the whole deal sealed by the 4:00 that afternoon. So, while were excited about that, we are also anxious since we have to be out by June 9th. We are hoping/planning to stay in Sioux Center until at least July 1st, so we'll be looking for some temporary housing for about three weeks. I'm currently on the prowl for a few sturdy refrigerator boxes taht I can duct tape together! =)

So day-by-day this whole process is becoming more and more a reality and we are continuing to feel affirmed about this next step in our lives. While we are feeling bad about leaving Sioux Center, we are also eagerly anticipating what God has in store for us in Grand Rapids.

We are seeing how the Lord provides and have faith that he will continue to do so.

Garage Sale

The Sioux Center City-Wide Garage Sales started yesterday. We've been busy sorting out our stuff the last few weeks and getting everything organized and yesterday we opened up our garage door for business. Goodness, have we sold a lot of stuff! It's amazing what you can get rid of if you really think hard about what you actually need (and don't need).

Sometimes I think I need to have a spiritual garage sale. I need step back and take inventory of my thoughts, emotions, and feelings and really decide if I should be thinking, feeling or acting in certain ways. What do I need to get rid of in my walk with God that will make it less cluttered? What am I storing in my spiritual basement that I just don't need, but am hanging on to, just in case?

I can think of a few things: fear, self-reliance, and worry to name a few. In much the same way that people come to my garage and help me get rid of my stuff, I need to have God come into my life on a daily basis and clean me up. Yes, he's done it once and for all on the cross, but that doesn't mean I get off scott-free.

Being faithful to God and his will is a constant and never-ending process. As soon as I think I've got it figured out and I don't need to get rid of anything else, that's when I find another corner that's still got some junk in it.

It's amazing what you can learn sitting at a card table in your garage....

Reality

Our move gets more and more 'real' everday. Tonight we filled out the paperwork to enroll the kids in their new school -- Grand Rapids Christian, last week I signed and sent my financial aid award from Calvin Seminary, and we're busy deciding which summer rec activities the kids will be able to participate in here.

My parents are headed to Michigan to visit my brother and his family early next month and offered to take some our stuff-- our stuff -- in Michigan...crazy! Oh, and I just made a for sale sign for my pickup since we're not planning to take that with us.

A few weeks ago I ordered some Greek textbooks and flashcards online and they came last week. I started using them to dust off my Greek skills and it's starting to come back suprisingly well.

Tonight at supper we asked the kids how they were feeling about things and neither of them really knew what to say. I think for them it's all still very uncertain and unclear. At the same, neither have ever complained about leaving...they've been great. So that is making us feel good as well.

Standstills, Stress, and Shingles

Howdy. Jessica here. I feel like I've been a somewhat silent bystander in all this, so I figured I'd share some of my thoughts.

Last fall, when Michael asked me what I thought about him going back to seminary, it really never surprised me. I married him, knowing that he had a desire to enter ministry, and in the past months, I could see him heading in that direction once again. To me, that was just a part of who he was. I also knew that I needed to support him completely, because I knew that this would be a hard task to undertake if he felt I was pulling him in the other direction.

We hummed and hawed about this decision for a while, but kept feeling like the pull was getting stronger and stronger. This is not an easy call to respond to. First of all, sometimes it's hard to discern the voice of God, "God, is this really what you're asking me to do?" Moreover, making a move like this, in essence beginning from "scratch," taking your family across the country, and living a lifestyle that has no guaranteed regular income sounds like a crazy notion. It would have been much easier to stay put. But, when it comes down to it, that's exactly why we left. We were comfortable, in a groove, coasting along. It was time to take a leap of faith, rely ultimately on God, and strengthen our relationship.

At first, things moved quickly. Right after announcing our decision, we traveled to MI and things fell nicely into place. But since that early February trip, it feels like we've been at a standstill. Yes, we've put our house of the market, but after some initial activity, we have not shown the house in 3 1/2 weeks. I have spent hours upon hours job searching online with nothing but dead ends. Leadership roles that we've had here have not found replacements.

About a month ago, I came down with a case of the shingles. Although shingles is the result of the dormant chicken pox vaccine, it's main trigger is stress. I realized that our situation is starting to take it's toll. Initially with this decision I thought I would easily be able to roll with the punches, square up my shoulders, and plow straight ahead, knowing this would be a temporary journey. But when I got the shingles, I realized that this was going to be a harder process than I thought.

So I've done what I can to prepare. I've hit the sales racks, getting my family's wardrobes stocked for the next few seasons. I've scoured my entire house, emptying it of all the "stuff" I do not want to move, I've made preparations for a major rummage sale. I have given myself to the idea that while I can do what I am able, I am trusting God to accomplish the rest. I know that when you least expect it is when you see how God has planned all the pieces to fall in place. For my "doing" mentality, having to wait is hard. But usually by waiting we see that what God had already predetermined was better than what we can even imagine.